I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

It frightens me, the awful truth, of how sweet life can be...

Poetry is a puppet-show, where riders of skyrockets and divers of sea fathoms gossip about the sixth sense and the fourth dimension.

My parents are highly evolved worriers. ... If worrying were an Olympic sport, my parents' faces would have graced the Wheaties box a long time ago.

I never knew that ["Hank Zipzer"] would happen in my life. It is one of the greatest things. It is like a gift from God.

Human societies vary in lots of independent factors affecting their openness to innovation.

You must have a twinkle in your eye, a naughtiness - and the audience must realize your mind is working faster than your words.

A writer can get into a vast deal of trouble through misquotation. If you ever want to receive lots of mail, I recommend you get a Shakespeare quote wrong in a magazine or newspaper.

You can't act being a boxer. It's like being on stage.

It would not be practical for her to hate herself. Luckily, God sends a substitute, a husband.

Light and liberty go together.