I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

Violence begins with the fork.

If the last to know he’s an addict is the addict, then maybe the last to know when a man means what he says is the man himself, he reflected.

Sometimes, well, all the time, I can't think of what to say because I'm so dumb and stuff, and then maybe I think of it like five days later.

Man owes two solemn debts--one to society, and one to-nature. It is only when he pays the second that he covers the first.

The worst kind of idiot is the one who doesn't think they're an idiot.

So the more things remained the same, the more they changed after all. Nothing endures. Not love, not a tree, not even a death by violence.

Deficits are like putting dynamite in the hands of children. They can get out of control very quickly.

One thing about bureaucrats is that they never swallow their young. Leave them alone and you'll find them increasing every year.

When I hear of the destruction of a species, I feel just as if all the works of some great writer have perished.