I don't drink before shows.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

We...believe that art is religious, because it is one of man's highest aspirations. There is no such thing as pagan art, only good and bad art.

A donkey eats a melon, it remains a donkey

Whoever makes you feelthat deeply and that intensely, deserves to know how they’veimpacted you.

There is no a revolution, without a man!

I still have to remind myself to brush my hair and look socially acceptable.

I'm an equal-opportunity law-enforcement guy - I lock everybody up.

The day you stop doing the small things is the day you think you're above everybody else.

Our revolution's main mission is to pave the way for the reappearance of the Twelfth Imam, the Mahdi.

Liberals see racism where it doesn't exist, fabricate it when they can't find it and ignore it within their own ranks.

When you're dealing with subjective matters, there's no wrong or right answer, it's just, "What do we think is best for the show?"