I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Atât de mare e puterea adevărului care, precum binele, se răspândește de la sine.

stronger than mountains.a place where my heart feels the safest- underneath his shirt.

Stories of her children when they were small, their round little bodies barely containing their personalities, which bloomed and glittered and melted into her.

Everybody's got the seam of goodness in them, Kit, " said Grandpa. "Just a matter of whether it can be found and brought out into the light.

I'm only remembering unnecessary things because I'm alone.

Exists no miracle mightier than this: to feel.

No one really knows exactly what happens when we think, Therefore we can never really ever know anything...

I encourage people in a lot of my messages that you've got to make the most of every day.

I'm technologically challenged, so I finally hooked up Bluetooth in my truck so I can talk going down the road.