I don't feel those limits when I'm on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it's all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

How can there be suffering when there is love?

Human beings were made for music. Its thrill and rapture are picked up almost immediately by little children

Asking in faith requires honesty, effort, commitment, and persistence.

The thing I like about Bush is I think he hates liberals.

Advertising degrades the people it appeals to; it deprives them of their will to choose.

Our Higher Self is the most intimate thing we could possibly know; eternity is the most comfortable home we could possibly fine.

A good designer will actually design the company.

A regret understood by no one: the regret to be a pessimist. It’s not easy to be on the wrong foot with life.

The wheels and springs of man are all set to the hypothesis of the permanence of nature. We are not built like a ship to be tossed, but like a house to stand.

I want my fluff-fluff! (Bob) Fluff-fluff… (Zarek looked panicked.) (Zarek)