I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Underneath the chaos there stirs a great plan. And it will be birthed only if I give it permission to do so because I have exercised the faith that it’s there.

As joy dwindles with the yearsI wistfully recallWhen the christmas treeLooked ten feet tallAnd the presents under itSeemed endless And more Than mere wrapping paper.

the mighty main sea is the begetter of clouds and winds and rivers.

Ever since I was a kid, whatever situation I was presented with, I always made the most of it.

I've always wanted to write a song that goes, "I love you" and a book that goes, "Something happened." Something very direct.

If fans are discouraged, find another team to root for.

If an idea does not appear bizarre, there is no hope for it.

Dare to walk the path that others have feared to travel, and a leader shall then be born.

I don't see myself a Great Black Hope. I'm just a golfer who happens to be black and Asian. It doesn't matter whether they're white, black, brown or green.

I've been blessed with good eyebrows, and I've worked very hard for them. Get a good brow pencil, fill them in a bit, make them perfect, and I guarantee you'll feel better. At least it works for me.