I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.

There’s no rerun of life. Rejoice while there’s breathe.

The people who are doing the work are the moving force behind the Macintosh. My job is to create a space for them, to clear out the rest of the organization and keep it at bay.

If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

The best thing you can learn from the worst times of your life is that it always gets better. It may take a month, a year, a decade, but it will get better if you leave yourself open to it.

Things turn out better by accident sometimes. But you can't organize accidents.

The high road's the only road I know. Let's keep on that way.

If you can convince me that we are one in this sense, that you are my father, and I your son; and also that I am your father, and you my son, then I can believe in the trinity.

I do enjoy wearing a little heel when I'm at work, but when I'm running around with my son, it's a different story!

Any altruistic system is inherently unstable, because it is open to abuse by selfish individuals, ready to exploit it.

Just be honest with who you are. Don't pretend to be something you're not. Don't be a phony. Walk your talk. That's how God works, so doing it is emulating how Source works.