I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

Taking consistent action is guaranteed to increase the probability of your success.

One single letter cures the blank page.

A relationship is work, and it changes. And you go with the changes. It's more good times than bad times, but it's not always good. You have to overcome those issues and move on.

Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.

I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.

Study hard, practice hard, play ferociously.

If language did not affect behavior, it could have no meaning.

The success of any man with any woman is apt to displease even his best friends.

Live or die: mere consequences of what you have built. What matters is building well.

Piper, you’re the strongest, most powerful beauty queen I’ve ever met. You can trust yourself. For what it’s worth, you can trust me too.