I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I g-g-guess...I'm dead?" she heard her own voice call out, strangely high-pitched and thin.For a long time, she heard nothing else. And then:"Hi, Dead. I'm Dan.

God gives a new grace for every new quest.

So, then, there abide these three, Aristotle, Longinus, and Coleridge.

What did the president know, and when did he know it?

Girls tend to get seduced through their ears. Guys tend to get seduced through their eyes.

It takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice, & 12 weeks for the rest of the world to notice. Give it 12 weeks. Don't quit.

I've got wonderful people I get to work with, and I'm trying to focus on that, instead of worrying about, Aw, who doesn't want to work with me? You focus on the ones who do.

The true wealth of a state consists in the number of its inhabitants, in their toil and industry.

Only by obedience to his genius; only by the freest activity in the way constitutional to him, does an angel seem to arise beforea man, and lead him by the hand out of all the wards of the prison.

I love being part of poetry conversations. I love talking about what I've read.