I don't hate anyone. I dislike. But my dislike is the equivalent of anyone else's hate.

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.

Nothing spoils a good party like a genius.

Bores put you in a mental cemetery while you are still walking.

The cocktail party is easily the worst invention since castor oil

Serve the dinner backward, do anything - but for goodness sake, do something weird.

I make enemies deliberately. They are the sauce piquante to my dish of life.

Someone has said that life itself is a party: you join after it's started and you leave before it's finished.

Keep your talent in the dark and you'll never be insulted.

Good manners - the longer I live the more convinced I am of it - are a priceless insurance against failure and loneliness. And anyone can have them.

Under pressure, people admit to murder, setting fire to the village church or robbing a bank, but never to being bores.

If you want it, work for it.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

If you don't have to lie, you don't have to remember anything. You can just go. That's really where I'm at. It's just making it up as I go along.

If I wasn't playing football, I'd be a juvenile probation officer.

If I turned around every time somebody called me a faggot, I'd be walking backward - and I don't want to walk backward.

Your gift to God is honesty. God's gift to you is truth.

If chess is a vast jungle, computers are the chainsaws in a giant environmentally insensitive logging company.

Errors are many, truth is unique.

Business is business, no child's play.

Uncorseted, her friendly bust Gives promise of pneumatic bliss.