I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Tragic as it is when a child fails to develop physically or mentally, even more tragic is a Christian who fails to develop spiritually.

The Piper's playing again, and there's a full orchestra.' There was a long silence as Andrew deciphered the cryptic statement. 'A FULL orchestra?

Good listeners, like precious gems, are to be treasured.

It's amazing what miracles and little angels and pure love around you can bring out.

Basically, the world is a giant shithole. But some of us are capable of imagining something better.

I'm known among my friends for saying things I probably shouldn't sometimes, but I have to get things out in the air.

Great things have small beginnings.

Whoever desires to purify his heart, then let him prefer Allah to his desires

If you will lie about the little things, before long you’ll lie about bigger things.

Authors have established it as a kind of rule, that a man ought to be dull sometimes; as the most severe reader makes allowances for many rests and nodding-places in a voluminous writer.