I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Sometimes our whole life is all about, not letting the fire that burns our homes down become the light that guides us home.

The winter will be long and bleak. Nature has a dismal aspect.

I think and think for months for years. Ninety-nine times the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

Bin Laden’s death and the debate over torture.

Do what you love and you'll always love what you do. I've found that that's true most of the time.

Its a heartening fact about the human race that utopian fiction precedes dystopian fiction in the evolution of literature.

What I find really difficult is making career decisions.

Oh God, I say not hear my prayers! I say: Blot with forgiving pen my sins away!

Every banker knows that if he has to prove that he is worthy of credit, however good may be his arguments, in fact his credit is gone: but what we have requires no proof.