I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

We need houses as we need clothes, architecture stimulates fashion. It’s like hunger and thirst — you need them both.

I have lost my faith, but I gained the truth! It is not important at all to lose your candle as long as you find a torch!

I’ve come to understand that each person has to work out their own personal algorithm of courage. No two are the same, and it’s no used trying to borrow or copy anyone else’s.

In Britain and Europe, no event is less forgotten than World War I, or 'The Great War, ' as it was called until 1939.

How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but to be someone.

Your face is my heart

People sometimes have to correct my English. I knew I had a problem when Arnold Schwarzenegger started doing it.

The mass of workers, as yet non-Socialist, is retarded in its development towards Socialism.

When we behold the face of God, all memories of pain and suffering will vanish. Our souls shall be totally healed.

I love software, because if you can imagine something, you can build it.