I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

For computer communications, computers talk in little bursts. They're not continuous like speech.

To become a leader, you must first become a human being

I don't want anything from Cuba. I want them to be free and enjoy the things I enjoy.

Right now I'm on my God flow, you know what I mean? I got Job 1:21 tattooed on my chest.

Good hairstylists never die. Vidal Sassoon and Paul Mitchell will always live on.

Curiously, light-loving green plants reject the Sun's green light, reflecting it back at you, which is why they look green.

My mother, she's like, She can work on herself.

Nature does not turn out her work according to a single pattern; she prides herself upon her power of variation.

I once absent-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.

More scientific language and less diplomatic rhetoric may make this world even better.