I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

The minute we run away from reality, we become our own fears for a lifetime

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

I don’t understand how real Christians let that little f--ker get away with that.

We ought to flee the friendship of the wicked, and the enmity of the good.

When the jars of clay remember they are jars of clay, the treasure within gets all the glory, which seems somehow more fitting.

Somebody like a Piggy or a Kermit, there needs to be several versions and so there will be several of them.

My love of the British is equal to that of my own people.

People, human beings with all their creative diversity, are the makers of history.

I think that you're going to get so much more out of life if you just say yes at every opportunity.