I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Be an empowertarian. A person who empowers their own life and that of others.

If every citizen should recite their national anthem daily, you will develop love to serve your country better.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

Home is not where you live but where they understand you.

Sweet Swan of Avon! What a sight it were To see thee in our water yet appear.

What was the use of my having come from Oakland it was not natural to have come from there yes write about it if I like or anything if I like but not there, there is no there there.

Tommy Dorsey would walk up to you if you had a tuxedo on and make sure you didn't have on white socks.

I don't like people--much. This kind, I mean. And they don't like me at all, as a rule. Maybe the latter explains the former.

The vision of a nation formed from many different peoples bound together by a common love of freedom was staked out long before our lifetimes or even our parents' or grandparents' lifetimes.

It is a know fact that almost all revolutions have been the work, not of the common people, but of the aristocracy, and especially of the decayed part of the aristocracy.