I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

How far is the Soul from attaining moksha (ultimate liberation)? Only the obstructive (antray) karmas.

Love is scary. But not as scary as living without the one person who makes your life worth living.

I had to call the past to life, and illuminate every corner of the five continents, descend to the centre of the earth and make the circuit of the moon and stars

Mind sees magic because it can be deceived when allowed by heart.

None of this is your fault, ' I told him. 'None of it. You aren't responsible for what other people do, good or bad. Everyone is just making the choices they think will help them get by.

I tell kids to pursue their basketball dreams, but I tell them to not let that be their only dream.

If I ever wrote a book on preaching, it would contain three words: Preach the Word. Get rid of all the other stuff that gets you sidetracked; preach the Word.

You can't give people pride, but you can provide the kind of understanding that makes people look to their inner strengths and find their own sense of pride

He who sees only what is before his eyes sees the worst part of every view.

That's what the American odyssey is really about: Leaving home. Leaving home and coming home, and trying to understand the difference.