I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

True love is finding your soulmate in your best friend

He became merely the broken statue of a beast, now without another's fear to animate it.

Each temptation leaves us better or worse

You deserve more in your life. Think big. Love more and share beyond your limits. You will then become limitless.

Maybe they have some new line of contacts that gives cute guys an alien, jeweled feel.

For myself, I care not whether treason be committed North or South; he that is guilty of treason is entitled to a traitor's fate!

The true poet dreams being awake.

Life's miseries fall disproportionately on children.

I don't believe in the moon landing conspiracy theory. I don't believe in Big Foot.

It's wonderful to be alive and to walk on earth.