I don't have to meet actors. I'm really blessed that I don't have to do all that horseshit.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Happiness is in simplicity. To be happy, always try to have happy thoughts.

A man thinks he owns things, and it is he who is owned

They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..."

Death is the most convenient time to tax rich people.

David James is frustrated because he thinks us being bottom isn't helping his chances with England. I think it gives him more chance to show his ability.

I don't believe in killing whatever the reason!

I love coloring books. I keep some by my bed.

Linux is its own worst enemy: it's splintered, it has different distributions, it's too complex to run for most people.

The truth is not being aired in the West. It’s a surreal perversion of history that’s going on once again, as in Bush pre-Iraq ‘WMD’ campaign.

It's poetry in motion, when she turned her tender eyes to me.