I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

We reach the end of our lives long before we reach the end of ourselves.

The difference between ancients and moderns is that the ancients asked what have we experienced, and moderns asked what can we experience.

There comes a point when a dream becomes reality and reality becomes a dream.

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons and 85% morons.

I feel like my music stands for the ultimate statement of irreverence.

You're as happy as you allow yourself to be - so why be unhappy?

What you need is sustained outrage...there's far too much unthinking respect given to authority.

I was playing rugby and the other games English school children do, and there was an event which was planned in which races were run, and I simply just won these by a considerable margin

Be just, and fear not.

But who in war will not have his laugh amid the skulls?