I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

You should know this about the rich: they always want to get richer. It is never boring, getting your hands on more money.

The man with the most guns survives the zombie apocalypse, but the man with the most books, locks the door and forgets it ever happened.

Our first show, A Little Nightmare Music, encompasses a lot of zany humor with beautiful classical music.

Better not to be at all Than not to be noble.

A bad dog never sees the Wolfe.

It's an important fact of life, war.

Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else's.

You're saying the gods don't have free will." "The power to make mistakes," Penny said. "Only we have that. Mortals

It's a gut feeling. And when two people have the same gut feeling, you have a brand.

Without mathematics, there’s nothing you can do. Everything around you is mathematics. Everything around you is numbers.