I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

When you are able to identify what drives you, you will be better equipped to draw out your possible options and make the relevant decisions that will help you achieve your goals.

Hope death finds you well today.

Good presidents, people like George Bush, they SEND people to war. They don't bring them a rescue. This is America. We rescue insurance companies and banks.

In the next century it will be the early mechanical bird which get the first plastic worm out of the artificial grass.

Sometimes instinct can be wrong. But sometimes it can be right too. And sometimes you just have to take it on faith.

Making a choice is like backing a horse - in a hundred years, they may decide you picked wrongly.

I was born to speak. I got in trouble as a kid for talking. I already knew it was a strength.

I think sometimes - do not we all? - that perhaps the present year is my last year and that all my busyness is foolish.

At the beginning of all growth, everything imitates.

The Cross did not happen to Jesus: He came on purpose for it. He is “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.