I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did.

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.

You offer a sincere compliment on a great mustache and suddenly she's not your friend.

Money can't buy poverty.

Hookers have to deliver on their promise... unlike politicians.

Could be worse... Could be raining

Too old to die young, and too young to grow up.

I don't enjoy anything while I'm doing it. I enjoy having done things, though.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

I don't want to be a director. I want to direct. There's a difference.

He made us laugh, he took my pain away. I love you, Lauretta.

SHUT UP!...PADDLE!

he who will not economize will agonize

Then they both smiled the exact same smile. Narcissism times two. Oh, get a room already.

The elimination of the will altogether and the switching off of the emotions all and sundry, is tantamount to the elimination of reason: intellectual castration.

The top 10 per cent of the US population appropriated 91 per cent of income growth between 1989 and 2006, while the top 1 per cent took 59 per cent.

There's nothing good about being my age.

My mother was a singer, and both of her sisters were singers. There was always music around.

Nothing is more tragic - or more common - than mental inertia.

The erection of a monument is superfluous, our memory will endure if our lives have deserved it.

Be wicked, be brave, be drunk, be reckless, be dissolute, be despotic, be a suffragette, be anything you like, but for pity's sake be it to the top of your bent.