I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Everybody is original, if he tells the truth, if he speaks from himself. But it must be from his *true* self and not from the self he thinks he *should* be.

Though the earth contains greater energy and mass than any single being, linked together, "people make the world go-round".

If we had had the right technology back then, you would have seen Eva Braun on the Donahue show and Adolf Hitler on Meet the Press.

Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight, Make me a child again just for to-night!

God has a purpose in every life, and when the soul is completely yielded and acquiescent, He will certainly realize it. Blessed is he who has never thwarted the working of the divine ideal.

They're really aggressive. They're like roaches on bread - you drop some on the floor and, boom, they're on it.

You bet your Grannie's Panties I will.

The past is not dead; it is not even past. People live on inner time; the moment in which a decisive thought or feeling takes place can be at any time. Timeless feelings are common to all of us.

The only time anyone's admitted they were a Christian before was when they were busy telling me why they're better than me.

I do not need wireless access to Wikipedia. I would prefer to stir-fry my own small intestines than to have continual access to a site where the entry for Klingon is longer than the entry for Latin.