I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

She sagged against the wall, finding it hard to breathe. It wasn’t from fear. Gods, she hadn’t been that turned on in years. If that was her punishment, she was going to be lippy a little more often

I used to love dogs until I discovered cats.

Beautiful loser, where you gonna fall? When you realize, you just can't have it all.

Merely to live without a pain Is little gladness, little gain, Ah, welcome joy tho' mixt with grief-- The thorn-set flower that crowns the leaf.

I realize that I won't have quite enough time to understand everything - but that hasn't stopped me wanting to understand as much as I can.

A married philosopher is a comic character.

I bet Maurice Gibb's heart monitor was singing the tune of Stayin' Alive.

I've often wanted to play the victim, or somebody who makes terrible choices. I would love to play the alcoholic mother who horribly lets down her children. That's a great morally imperiled role.

Of the small gifts of heaven, / It seems to me a more than equal share / At birth was given / To girls with curly hair.

I do no writing while I'm in Belgrade visiting my grandma.