I don't know what it's going to take for people to really wake up and understand that they [the Bush administration] are liars and they are murderers.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

That's the thing about your destiny how are you supposed to know when it arrives? How are you supposed to recognise it from random life?

An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The history of commerce is that of the communication of the people.

if a person wishes to achieve peace of mind and happiness then they should acquire faith, but if they want to be a disciple of truth, which can be "frightening and ugly,” then they need to search.

Meekness is the mark of a man who has been mastered by God.

I like to draw, produce paintings, do something with my fingers - but I am very normal, down-to-earth person.

Running down on a way of life our fighting men have fought and died to keep. If you don't love it, leave it.

The first business asset you should invest in is yourself.