I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

It's more interesting to be out in the world. than to see it reflected in the mirror.

For thousands of years humans were oppressed - as some of us still are - by the notion that the universe is a marionette whose strings are pulled by a god or gods, unseen and inscrutable.

I like the way Twitter makes one be more concise.It looks like someone is saying sometthing wise

A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of everything.

I haven't done as many films as I would have liked.

The point of acting is to pretend you're someone else and sell a story.

Tennis is more than just shots. It's about being clutch and beating the people on the other side of the net.

Who are taking to the witch burning Saturday night?