I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I am fully persuaded to pursue my passion.

Remember, there's few things as powerful as being true to yourself.

I have not a desire but a need for solitude.

A 'good man' is a male creature that survives the endless episodes that its woman spends complaining about women who she hates, and, women who hate her.

Values are deeply held personal beliefs that form your own priority code for living.

Both for Havana's beauty and decay, it's very hard to restrain yourself from staring everywhere you look.

Scientists say we use 10% of our brain. That's way too much. By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.

If you start out to solely make money, you will attract the wrong kind of employees.

The people we've known the longest are often the people we know the least.

We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.