I don't know why people get so bent out of shape over stuff people say.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

I wonder: instead of retreating and hiding, instead of pining for the way it was, what if I accept the way it is? This strikes me as both the most obvious thing in the world and the most profound.

A young man with a very good past. [Fr., Un jeune homme d'un bien beau passe.]

Modernity is the most transient of qualities.

There seems to be hardly any one among my acquaintance from whom I have not learned.

My limits will be better marked. Both the limits I will set, and my own limits.

Give so much to the improvement of yourself, that you don’t have time to criticize others.

Possibility is not a luxury; it is as crucial as bread.

A lot of words in English confuse the idea of life and electricity, like the word livewire.

You call for faith: I show you doubt, to prove that faith exists. The more of doubt, the stronger faith, I say, If faith o'ercomes doubt.

I'd really like to be in closer contact with life. I'm a little too distant, I guess. I like to place myself outside.