I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

The vices and moral weakness of man are not invincible: Man is perfectible, or in other words, susceptible of perpetual improvement.

Stand firm. Stand tall.You are a tower of God.

I get very unsettled by the mess of Christmas. I find the decorations a little bit hard, as my desire for everything to match is never fully satisfied.

One of the big challenges for our party is to demonstrate to people that we have an agenda for economic prosperity and that we can be trusted with their money.

I am fearful when I see people substituting fear for reason.

Party domination and State leadership are concepts incompatible with one another.

And what if I did run my ship aground; oh, still it was splendid to sail it!

Why should nutrition matter less in the creation of young humans than it does in young plants? I'm sure that it doesn't.

Silence 'tis awe decrees.

But Apple really beats to a different drummer. I used to say that Apple should be the Sony of this business, but in reality, I think Apple should be the Apple of this business.