I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Don't deny your parents a chance at happiness and also an opportunity to see you achieve greatness.

Life is a series of deaths and resurrections, losses and gains, pain and joy.

Water’s water and that’s why it’s beautiful.

That which is built upon the land goes with the land.

Everybody wants to enjoy heaven after they die, but they don't want to be heavenly-minded while they live.

We know that appropriators will fight these cutbacks. But by eliminating earmarks, we can stop the horse trading that grows agency budgets.

Eventually you can get into the nuts and bolts of reality: nurturing, caring, and getting along.

The sport of business is the ultimate competition. It's 7 × 24 × 365 × forever.

The value of friends has always been a natural thing. I prefer too many to too few.

Life is too small a container for certain individuals. Some of them, such as Alobar, huff and puff and try to expand the container. Others, such as Kudra, seek to pry the lid off and hop out.