I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

What we do reverberates through the heavens and into eternity.

Absolute justice is achieved by the suppression of all contradiction, therefore it destroys freedom.

We are human and our nature is to air...

Rigid belief systems, including skeptism, is signing up for the suppression of curiosity.

I have this personal affinity for the desert. I am fascinated by the desert. I love it.

Statistics has been the handmaid of science, and has poured a flood of light upon the dark questions of famine and pestilence, ignorance and crime, disease and death.

To me, love has always meant friendship.

It is often just as important to be perceived as something as actually to be that something and, as a matter of fact, a candidate need not be anything ideologically at all.

God has enough grace to solve every dilemma you face, wipe every tear you cry, and answer every question you ask.

It actually dawned on me that I don’t fight. I just kill whatever annoys me, and it’s over. (Savitar)