I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Lord Almighty your grace is all I need.

How you carry yourself speaks volumes about how you feel about yourself.

Waiting never makes things easier or less troublesome.

You made a lot of mistakes, and you wrote a lot of crap. But it was all part of the learning process.

A Socrates in every classroom.

When I was coming up, we weren't trying to get a hit or get paid, we were just trying to do our thing. The only thing we were really trying to do was to be recognized for our originality.

I felt beautiful but also interrupted. I wasn't used to being so complicated.

Men must be decided on what they will not do, and then they are able to act with vigor in what they ought to do.

Instead of seeing the rug being pulled from under us, we can learn to dance on the shifting carpet.

Why don’t the Grammys matter? Because it feels rigged and cheap - like a popularity contest that the insiders club has decided.