I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Do not allow any thing to disturb you.

If you witness evil men committing evil deeds and do nothing, what does that make you?

Sure, as long as he ties a 56 lb. weight to each leg.

If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

All Patsy Cline had to do was sing somebody else’s song and her version would outsell theirs because it would be so good!

They say the movies should be more like life; I think life should be more like the movies.

I dip my pen in the blackest ink, because I'm not afraid of falling into my inkpot.

Creativity is the process of bringing something new into being.

It's just the way things are. And you can't dwell on what might have been. You have to look at what is.

Even the wicked get worse than they deserve.