I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

A man is at his youngest when he thinks he is a man, not yet realizing that his actions must show it.

The first thing you have to know is yourself. A man who knows himself can step outside himself and watch his own reactions like an observer.

It were a blessed sight to see That child become a willow tree, His brother trees among. He'd be four times as tall as me, And live three times as long.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change

Since I have spent many years of my life living in Los Angeles, and since I'm also in the music business, I know that much more is talked about in Los Angeles than ever really occurs.

So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

When you're an actress, you become this thing in people's hands that people are trying to manipulate. I cannot stand it.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

The founder of Crunk Feminists is a Christian. If you claim to be a Christian, but then you attack somebody for saying you should approach a problem with love, you're not being a true Christian.