I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The past could be jettisoned . . . but seeds got carried.

Though cultures differ and times change, the Word of our God stands forever as an unchanging source of answers to all of life’s problems.

Like daffodils in the early days of spring, my neurons were resprouting receptors as the winter of the illness ebbed.

To truly be of service to others, we must first serve the server. The ability to bring an enlightened presence to those in need is the ability to light a candle without burning ourselves out.

Distilling truth from overwhelming amounts of information is the essence of leadership.

I'm not a top-five player yet.

Most of you are predominantly nagual. You have trouble with the physical life because you have devoted more of your attention to the mysterious side of your being.

I think there is a great deal to the idea of not doing a thing, but that when you do a thing, you don't do it in five minutes or in five hours, but in five years.

Branding is everything. A young girl once came up to me and told me I could be famous because I looked just like Richard Branson!

I'm terrified to go in lakes because you can't see the bottom, and not knowing what's there watching you is really scary to me.