I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

To pray is to say that there is more than I can see, and more than I can do. There is more going on than meets the eye.

The closer you got to someone, the more it would destroy you when they were inevitably gone.

A BMS hears hoofbeats outside his window, the first thing he thinks of is a zebra

If the human race wants to go to Hell in a basket technology can help it get there by jet.

It is wonderful what strength of purpose and boldness and energy of will are roused by the assurance that we are doing our duty.

Money maketh man a tory, don't fire that assumption at me, I like toast as much as anyone but not for breakfast, dinner and tea

And I have a dream of a New American Language, one with a little bit more Spanish. I have a dream of a new pop music, that tells the truth with a good beat and some nice harmonies.

I mean, you can't have advertising be the only official business of the information economy if the information economy is going to take over.

What is it that should trace the insuperable line? ...The question is not, Can they reason? nor Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?

APA is another evolution in my career; they have unique vision and share my goals for the future. I look forward to expanding our horizons together.