I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.

And I wondered if love was too weak a word for what he felt, what he’d done for me. For what I felt for him.

Love doesn’t make you a poet

The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul.

One's obligation every day, is to choose to follow the nobler one.

Competing loves are detected in the gap between saying and doing.

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

What Nixon and Kissinger began, Pol Pot completed.

I wanted Raging Bull. I wanted Casino. I got Rocky and Bullwinkle. But that's OK, because I still get to tell people I've worked with Robert DeNiro.

Nature does not complete things. She is chaotic. Man must finish, and he does so by making a garden and building a wall.

We deserve to be forgotten because we forget Him. But because Jesus died on the cross, we will never, ever be forgotten by God.