I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I want to appreciate you now, and avoid the rush.

I decided I ought to pick a project that would not be controversial, that would not really cost the government a lot of money.

I am ashamed to be a member of the human race but I don't want to add any more to that shame, I want to scrape a little of it off.

A Jack Russell terrier? My god. He'll burn you up. They never stop. A German shepherd, you can only go so many miles.

Some people are so afraid do die that they never begin to live.

Any kind of person can be a scientist.

The only right a Christian has is the right to give up his rights.

Women should wear clothing. Clothing shouldn't wear them.

Now the Earth with many flowers puts on her spring embroidery

Capitalists are no more capable of self-sacrifice than a man is capable of lifting himself up by his own bootstraps.