I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.

I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?'

Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!

The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody.

I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.

I don't have a computer. I'm going to wait until that whole fad is over. I was suckered in on the Pet Rock. Not twice, people.

Some people are mean, and when you look at their page, they only write mean things, but I have a great time with a twitter person. It's not even to promote myself, just to entertain me.

People entertain me more than I entertain them.

True success cannot be achieved until you have experienced failure

YOU are the next big thing.

I have never been convinced there's anything inherently wrong in having fun.

All is well, tho' faith and form Be sunder'd in the night of fear.

Oh, God above, if heaven has a taste it must be an egg with butter and salt, and after the egg is there anything in the world lovelier than fresh warm bread and a mug of sweet golden tea?

In 1975 I met Alison Brown and in 1982 we were married. She works for Cornell Computer Services.

When you just get mixed up & there's too much going on, then it's time to pick up your guitar.

Everyone looked pensive, which is good cover-up for clueless.

Everyone is more than what you see on the cover; we all run deep and have our story.

People sometimes say we take things too seriously, but it's the only way you'll get anywhere.