I don't see myself as offending people.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Have you noticed, " said John, "how countries call theirs 'sovereign nuclear deterrents, ' but call the other countries' ones 'weapons of mass destruction'?

In the common degree of the moral, there is no virtue. Virtue is excellence.

I think that Utopia is a theory of human action.

I have often thought that the aim of port is to give you a good and durable hangover, so that during the next day you should be reminded of the splendid occasion the night before.

I don't want an uneventful and safe life, I prefer an adventurous one.

A man speaks of what he knows, a woman of what pleases her: the one requires knowledge, the other taste.

Both teams want to win and they want to do everything possible. You don't think about the fatigue factor. You're just trying to grind it out to get the win.

When a man thinks happily, he finds no foot-track in the field he traverses. All spontaneous thought is irrespective of all else.

In the garden I see only your face From trees and blossoms I inhale only your fragrance.

I'm just one of the kids, and all because the students at Hamilton Heights High School listened to the facts, educated their parents and themselves, and believed in me.