I don't take myself too seriously. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy making people laugh.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

The future is green energy, sustainability, renewable energy.

Serbia stands firmly on the EU path.

This dish of meat is too good for any but anglers, or very honest men.

I really believe that if you're going to bring a child into the world, it's your job to parent that world. Especially if it's just you; you don't pawn her off on somebody.

How could I not have seen this coming, when I looked into your eyes and vowed to be with you forever?

But still, it looked completely natural, as if we had been kissing at the ends of sentences for ages, while the rest of the world was still hung up on punctuation.

It was a choice of making it or still eating chicken onstage.

When it gets hot like this, you know what I do? I keep my undies in the ice box.

What is lawful is undesirable; what is unlawful is very attractive. [Lat., Quod licet est ingratum quod non licet acrius urit.]

As long as someone wants to hear my music, I don't care if it's a ringtone or the album or whatever.