I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Rocinante was of more value for a true traveller than a jet plane. Jet planes were for business men.

A man in love is an awful sight.

Nelson Mandela is a leader Barack Obama should try to emulate... He could start by spending 27 years in prison.

The relation between the white and colored people of this country is the great, paramount, imperative, and all-commanding question for this age and nation to solve.

Follow your love as far as it will take you. Whether it brings you to salvation or damnation.

Ignorance and prejudice are the ballast of our ship of state - however, ships without ballast are not seaworthy and cannot sail in the tempests, nor reach a safe harbor.

As entertainers, you're afraid [about] loss of income - but if other people start going to jail for free speech, then we've lost this great thing that America is, and I'd like to keep that.

Let the brain go to work, let it meet the heart and you will be able to forgive.

The word "no" denotes a shutting of the door. It means failure, defeat, delay. But spell in backwards and take new hope, for backwards it spells "on."

I use vaporizers a lot. It cuts down on the heat and the smoke. And for a singer that's not a bad idea.