I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Pleasure! The end of suffering or the beginning of an enjoyment?

Stop chasing people who keep running away from your presence, because even if you succeed in catching them, sooner or later they would run away.

When you appreciate what you have, and feel enthusiasm for life, you move in the direction of your natural state i.e. happy & peaceful.

The world cares very little about what a man or woman knows; it is what the man or woman is able to do that counts.

Tragedy ought really to be a great kick at misery.

The best part of the fiction in many novels is the notice that the characters are purely imaginary.

I would not be too surprised to see a flying horse; I would consider it as a gift of the evolution; but I would be very surprised if it had horseshoe sounds!

That's part of the appeal of time-travel movies: The notion of going back and fixing something.

A debt is just as hard for a Government to pay as it is for an individual. No debt ever comes due at a good time. Borrowing is the only thing that seems handy all the time.