I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

If you accept your limitations you go beyond them.

Are you threatening to kidnap me?" "If you want to look at it that way," Jace said, "yes.

To the solemn graves, near a lonely cemetery, my heart like a muffled drum is beating funeral marches.

The church of the Lord is spread over all the globe, and is thus universal; and all those are in it who have lived in the good of charity in accordance with their religion.

When you were kids, you can tell when an adult is bad or good; and I think people can feel that I'm genuine. It's the best thing in the world.

Feelings are universal, and if an actor's doing his job, I think he's making people sit there, and if it's in a movie or a theatre, going 'Hmm, yeah, I know that... I know that.

It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.

The world is littered with the bodies of people that tried to stick it to ole J.R. Ewing!

I wish I could fly. Or speak fluent Chinese. Both I think are equally impossible.

We treasure what we can measure.