I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

With true love, you can move mountains, make unusual sacrifices, live a life of deprivations and still be happy.

There is a story, there is a scene which you always miss and you never pay attention at it... (The Ring 1)

I know it is coming, and I do not fear it, because I believe there is nothing on the other side of death to fear

If any of you should ask me for an epitome of the Christian religion, I should say that it is in one word - prayer. Live and die without prayer, and you will pray long enough when you get to hell.

I was in Moscow and I will tell you - you can get along with those people and get along with them well. You can make deals with those people. Obama can't.

If you try to give people knowledge, and you haven't trained them in character, based on faith, they will become intellectual reprobates.

Today we confront the future with optimism from a founded hope for the Iraqi people - in freedom

I don't want the big flashing lights and red carpet, like, "Here comes another Bon Iver album!" I just want it to be my bedroom-y thing. But that'll take a while to figure out.

Could Artificial Intelligence End the Electronic Medical Record Nightmare?

I never paid you a compliment, Rachel, in my life. Successful love may sometimes use the language of flattery, I admit. But hopeless love, dearest, always speaks the truth.