I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

An illusion is when everyone is in on the joke, a delusion is when you are the joke.

Thus grief still treads upon the heels of pleasure Marry'd in hast we may repent at leisure.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

I thought: this is how life is, ridiculous beyond comprehension.

Life stands before me like an eternal spring with new and brilliant clothes.

Unfortunately for novelists, real life is getting way too funny and far-fetched.

How you feel right now is about equally genetic and circumstantial, but how you will feel on average over the next ten years is fully 80 percent because of your genes.

Proust again: One can only wish that a man with such powers of total recall had led a less tedious life, moved among somewhat livelier circles.

(As a boy) I was listening to Sonny Boy Williamson's (I) records and I would close my eyes and I could visualize myself playing the harp.

And that's when it fell off in my hand