I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.

Too many times we are concerned with how much, instead of how little, like this [world] we can become.

All too often arrogance accompanies strength, and we must never assume that justice is on the side of the strong. The use of power must always be accompanied by moral choice.

One good act of vengeance deserves another.

Isn’t it wonderful the way the world holds both the deeply serious, and the unexpectedly mirthful?

To say less of yourself than is true is stupidity, not modesty. To pay yourself less than you are worth is cowardice and pusillanimity.

Life without prejudice, were it ever to be tried, would soon reveal itself to be a life without principle.

They're not so bad. They just need some attention. ...Like pets. Or my brother.

A product for everyone rarely reaches much of anyone.

I think, as far as branching out with acting, it would take something really right on the mark to distract me from music, because music is everything to me.