I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Happiness can be as elusive as a small fish darting away in a mountain stream.

Talent is an accident of genes, and a responsibility.

If you want to know someone's character, give him power.

Royalty is my identity. Servanthood is my assignment. Intimacy with God is my life source.

The idea that you can't be attractive and funny at the same time is something that I hate.

Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Listen to your moms and dads. In this great country of ours you do whatever you set your mind to. Make us proud of you.

Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.

Without mathematics, there’s nothing you can do. Everything around you is mathematics. Everything around you is numbers.

Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

As an artist, it's possible to get tired of yourself.