I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The terms 'Husband' and 'Wife' are inappropriate. They are only companions ad partners. One does not slave for other. They both have equal status.

I try not to look backwards, Elise. Makes is hard to see where you're going.

The only alternative to making mistakes is for someone to make all your decisions for you, in which case you will make their mistakes instead of your own.

People like to think the worst. They like to have hushed gossip sessions and point their fingers at someone's problems that are more obvious than their own.

Here for example the beautiful silver mirror of a river swells, a boy falls in, the water ripples sweetly around his locks, he sinks - and after a short while the silver mirror swells as before.

I think I'm less the writer than I'm the written.

There will be people the old flesh will rise up and wonder why God blessed them. But no one will ever be envious on God's blessings on their children.

I am a fan of the true crime and horror genres! So, I've got a dark side too.

I do not have much confidence in the political system and never did. My goal has always been to change people's minds because as long as people demand more government, they will get it.

Don’t yell at me when I just survived a near-death experience. (Abbie)